Emotional Constipation

Have you ever felt something deeply and wanted to express it verbally but just couldn't find the words? Maybe you've gone through a range of emotions but could not concisely articulate what you've been feeling? You've exhausted Webster to no avail and even tried that word dinosaur, a thesaurus, but your emotions still refuse to be defined? It's like trying to scratch that spot on your back you can't reach no matter how hard you try. Well, that's where I have been for the last six weeks or so and I call it emotional constipation. Quite the vivid word picture, huh?

Anyway, I've been reading this book entitled Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. The premise of the book is that IQ scores and SATs do not accurately predict who will be successful in life. There is another form of intellegence, an intangible quality Goldman terms emotional intelligence that can better determine how far you will go in work and in relationships. Goleman suggests (based on research and evidence) that those who can clearly identify what they are sensing and experiencing on an emotional level will be better suited and adaptable to what they experience in life. This creates an emotional stability which will enable them to succeed no matter what life throws at them.

Now as a guy, reading and thinking about what "I am feeling" (written with a sarcastic tone) is pretty much like bamboo shoots under the fingernails or watching a marathon of Anne of Green Gables. Torture, to say the least. However, since I have been in Afghanistan, I have experienced a plethora of emotions that I need to work through. I find that if I do not try and decipher and identify what I am going through, they (emotions) just build up to where I am just sitting there with my mouth open, blank stare, knuckles on the ground, saying uhhh...real neanderthal-like. A constipation of emotions.

On a daily basis I wrestle with missing my wife and kids and praying I can make up for lost time, the reframing of my relationship with Jesus, the complexity of taking lives in combat, future plans, and the dynamics of military life to name a few. I want to improve my emotional intelligence and it seems I have been given an opportunity to do just that by trying to work through all these elusive no-name feelings. Not wanting to become an alexithymic, I have pain-stakingly hard soul-searching and name calling to do. So, I must continue to get brain cramps as I try to push one out...emotions that is, for my own mental and emotional well-being.

I just wish I had some ex-lax to get things moving...